When does a Friendship Stop being a Friendship?

I was called "toxic" once. Of course the company who called my friendship "toxic" hadn't been a friend of mine for a couple of years and was looking for an excuse to get rid of me.

But, honestly speaking, when can you look at a person and all they are to you and all they've meant to you, and stop fighting for them? When can you look at them and say, "ENOUGH! Enough of this self-righteous insolent bullshit, I can't care for you anymore because I can't live with my heart broken every day because of what we used to be and what we are no more!" I want to. I tried to. But every time, forgiveness comes and bites me in the ass. Forgiveness and integrity. A pox on integrity. A pox on all the times you talk to them now, and each conversation is so painful you'd much rather go have your legs waxed because it will take you away from the long silences filled in with rambling the once or twice a week you guys speak, if that, anymore.

I hope they read this, although they don't read a lot of stuff I write anymore, when they started out promising that they would always follow it. Silly, I know, but it instilled in me courage and inspiration that people could still be devoted. I hope they know it's them I'm talking about if by chance they happen upon this, so then I can tell them that my heart can't handle it anymore, that I want them gone, that I'd much rather suffer the pain of separation than the pain of false conversation and faked pleasantries. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and for me, this is an all or nothing kind of situation. Maybe in time we can go back to puff pastries and a little bit of bubbly, but as of now, I want to sign off.

Go ahead. Judge me. Talk about my lack of resilience, my lack of patience, my lack of trust. All I know is that sometimes, oh just sometimes, I want to come first in my life. Sometimes, I need to come first in my life, as selfish as that sounds. So I'm sorry if I let you down. You let me down first, by making me believe that words weren't just words, but then showing me that yeah, words are just words.

Cheers.

Are You My Trouble?

Do not crave the so called freedom
of mindlessness and love for no such freedom
exists - it is but a myth created by the gods of chains
to tie us unceasingly and make a mockery of all that
is good, of all that is holy, of all that is sane. But as for me,
I lie here in full knowledge of the vast expanse that is my
dark soul, yet still I crave for that sliver of light that I glimpsed
once when you looked at me and promised that one day
you would lean in and cover my mouth with yours.

All that exists is hurt, and if there is hurt there must be healing. If there are lies, there must be truth.

Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been a month and a half since my last blog post....

AHHHHHH! I'm back. I hope. I never left, really. June was a whirlwind of ultrasounds and blood-draws and Comic Con and then home.

Ah home, home is wherever I'm with you. Actually, I came home to Ontario for three weeks (a weekend of which was spent in Chicago). Today I fly back to Saskatoon and I don't know if i want to. I think it's just the "I really don't want to go back to work" jitters. I miss my Sask people. I truly do. And I realized I can't move back home without going, and you'll pardon my Italian, absolutely batshit insane. But home never changes, and that's a good thing. I could do without the fat jokes though.

Another thing I realized is that I might be batshit insane. That or a free spirit. I would love to backpack through countries, maybe with a car, stay in the seediest hostels and experience life first hand. Probably meet a couple more internet friends here and there, share a few laughs over beer or Jagger, which I'm immune to. And yes, we can test that theory out if you're buying.

Overall I'm caught between nostalgia and excitement, and it just makes me feel sick. It's a gorgeous day and I'm going to get some sun, because we all know I need more sun.

Cheers!