Week 68

I feel myself getting sucked back in
Even though I never left

The hospital is cold and dry,
It makes my nose hurt,
My chest hurt.

My eyes ache
From holding tears back.
She asks me why,
I don't know why.
She asks me how,
I don't know how.
She asks me if she's alone,
And I tell her
Truly she isn't.
That much I know
Somehow
Even though mostly I know nothing
Except darkness
This same old darkness
 That threatens to close around my head
 And box me in.

I don't know what pushes me forward,
I only feel like I'm being pushed lower.

Week 67

I'm a romantic
Even if I don't want to be.
I was created to be a creature of love.
Why else would my eyebrows
Be so dark,
My eyes so big and round
So deep that everyone who
Looks for even a second too long
Falls deep Into the well,
The walls
As old
As the oldest trees on Mars.
Why else would my hair curl
Down my back
And frame your face
As I lean down to kiss you,
To envelope your lips
Your tongue
Your mouth with my own
Drawing yourself out with every breath
I take.
"Come to me, trust me, be with me,"
Every touch of mine
Whispering those words in your cold dark ears.
You see I was forged
By the distant boiling stars
To wake you up,
Shake you up,
Breathe life into your brittle bones,
Into your tender sides,
Into your spiny crustaceous heart.
"I'm a romantic," I whisper
Into your tiny body
Curled up into me,
Desperately seeking a love
You need but cannot give,
That you will never be capable of.
Don't worry,
I'm a romantic,
I knew that already.

Week 66

And when you come home now
To your now emptier house,
The colours in the walls
Are diminished.
What was once a brilliant purple
In the morning light
And a warm orange
Blanketing us in the daylight
Remains colder, greyer.

You pull back the curtains,
The view is of the ocean
It is stark and calm right now.
The ocean is as unpredictable
As the human heart,
Before your eyes it changes
Taking on shapes and memories
Of the universe before you
And after you.
It reminds you of the ocean in your own heart.
It reminds me of when I tried to swim with you.

The house is sturdy yet
The foundation built by experts before us.
And even though the house shifts,
You remain standing
And grounded.
You know you have a house still.
Days will pass
And each morning the sunlight
Will warm up the colours a little bit more,
Drive out some more of the grey
Until one day
With your little boy, you'll repaint
All of it together.

All houses carry happiness and sadness.
Greyness isn't the absence of light,
Just another shade of black and white.
The foundation is strong
And the house is sturdy,
And in the back of your mind
Once in a while
The memory of me swimming with you
In the navy blue ocean
Will make you smile.

Week 65

I want to think about life
On other planets.
The cold empty loneliness,
The noxious gases.

I want to think about the colour
Of the sky
And about how I want it to be navy blue
And gold,
But the reality
Is that the sun
Would be too far away,
And the sky would remain black
For most of the day.

The stars don't change,
Only I change,
Transform,
And become an alien
In my own skin.
I grow scales of resilience,
Of grief long passed,
I resist and I triumph.
On other planets,
I am a monarch.

I do not want to visit home
After years asail in the sky,
Even if its only in my own mind.
But I do
And the warm winter air
Causes my skin to shine.
Time passes by,
I once again walk through this world
Of loss
One step at a time.

Week 64

Colouring in the lines again
I am black and white
And grey.
It makes me wonder what colour I should
Start with.
What colour is humanity?
What shade
Or stripe
Or splash of paint
Can begin to reveal things
About ourselves,
About yourself
That we didn't already know

In some universe,
In some plane
Of existence
I am brilliant,
I am all the shades of
A fire
Burning hot,
Burning deep.

But not in this plane,
Over here
I am colour
Redacted.
And it is a fight trying to fill me in,
Fill me up.
But every day
I wake,
Stare at my black and white reflection,
And try to fill in one cell at a time.

Week 63

The emptiness persists.
It is a deep dark cavern
Lit up by Starlight.
There is a beginning and an end
To this place,
I'm just here in the middle.

I'm walking on sand,
It shifts underneath my toes.
As I slowly try to regain my balance,
My calves ache,
My muscles quiver,
Yet I take one more step,
Each step I take
Is one step closer
In this land of grief.

It's a much quieter world
Than I was expecting.
The silence persists,
Louder than the emptiness
The sky is a  navy blue blanket
In the sky.
This land is stark and cold
Yet beautiful
Like When we lay in your parked car
Looking over a city of lights.

I stop for a moment,
Sleep comes once in a while.
Tomorrow I will deal
With the ache
That today's journey has begun.
Tomorrow I will deal with many things.
For now
I will curl up
And try to get some rest.