Home (food) Sick

     I might be preggers again. The nausea is back (and for those you from the beginning, it's not I**** babby). I forgot how uncomfortable such a thing can make you feel. Honestly, all I want is my grandmother or my mother or my father or even my grandfather to make me some paise (boiled rice without the water drained, with yogurt added to it, makes for a very cooling food) and some veggies (not made in the typical way you're thinking of - steam veggies such as beans/cauliflower/etc. with some onions until fully cooked, in a separate pan fry some mustard seeds and crushed garlic in oil and then add it to the veggies, becomes immaculate, trust me, I've made it so many times) and to lie on my bed and listen to music. Granted I can do all four here by myself, especially the last two, but sometimes you just crave the presence of home. Not that I'm homesick, so much as sick and wishing for home. Of course, I had to come across this great cover of "Not in Nottingham" from Robin Hood (the Disney fox version), which was THE movie of my childhood.  My grandma and I watched it so many times over and over again. That and biker mice. And of course it was covered by "Mumford and Sons". Of course it was.

       

      It's funny how much sometimes just the presence of someone nearby can make or break everything. It's sunny here in Saskatoon with a temperature of -34 degrees Celsius, and it reminds me of weekday mornings off from school where I could hear my grandmother on the phone downstairs doing the word search in the newspaper, and I'd roll over in my bed and smile. I'm very grateful that I have these memories at all, I know a lot of people don't. I'm glad my little sister still knows me, even if for more than half of her childhood I haven't really been at home and probably won't be any more. If you want to be my family, that is if you don't already feel like you're a part of my family, of my identity, talk to me and I'll let you know how much you mean to me, in whatever way you do.

Cheers.

69 (Baking) Love Songs

     This was the Valentine's Day weekend. Although Valentine's always have been more of an obscure image to me more than a day - i.e. I refer to it as February 14th, the same as February 15th, or 13th but society has deemed it a commercial day of love and romance and all nice things like that. Which is fine. I think. This is NOT going to be a rant about Valentine's day. I suppose it must be nice to have an excuse for PDAs and other such things.

     I was bored  (read: emo) because most people were out doing Valentine's day things. Also, I am a musical masochist so instead of trying to alleviate any possible symptoms of being emo (read: emotional, hormonal, temperamental, irritable, etc.), I chose to wallow in it. I thought it was high time I obtain a copy of The Magnetic Fields "69 Love Songs" since I'd known about it for ages so I  (for lack of a better descriptor) obtained all three volumes. Without copious amounts of chocolates, cookies, and/or ice cream (this was on Saturday), I put them on shuffle - I was trying to be brave.

     I am not one for using the Lord's name in vain, but dear Jesus. If you want something that's both highly ironic and comedic in that black sense, but in the same vein, equally emotional, definitely look into them. There are songs that make you chuckle, bitterly chuckle, stop you in the middle of what you're doing and make you remember, render you incapable of thinking with anything but that brain heart of yours, and overall, very in keeping with the theme of this weekend.

     Today (Sunday, that is) I started craving cookies and decided to bake some. Now they aren't my own from scratch (which let me tell you, are pretty good) because I AM ONE PERSON and to buy all those ingredients just to make cookies ... well frankly, it's just an useless investment, both in terms of money and my waist line. So I just went out and got some mix, along with mini Hershey Kiss chocolate chips, and yes, I baked them. With love. I decided, "Hey if no one's going to love me, I'm going to love myself through my mouth." So I did. And it was awesome.

They look better in my MOUTH.

Told you they look better in my mouth.

    Overall, what an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend. Is this what it's like to be sane? Maybe I should be less high-strung and more ... .... ... ........... low-strung? I may or may not be on a sugar rush. I don't even make sense anymore. I'm just happy. Maybe people give their lovers chocolate on Valentine's day so they'll be less depressed about being in that relationship. Wait, I didn't mean it like that. But I guess I said it, and to remove it would be against the rules of this blog post. So I won't. SO there. Hah.

     I'm going to go eat some more cookies before I say any more offensive things, like how ... hah almost fell into that trap. My thumb is burned. I don't get why people suck burned thumbs, the mouth is a warm environment and it just feels worse. Never absent-mindedly bake, because then you do dumb things like grab the metal tray fresh out of the oven with your bare hands. To be fair, I was distracted with these songs. Oh and that right there, yes that's your heartbreak meter, and it's through the roof.

Cheers!

Secrets of the Sexes

      So a friend was talking to me about some girl (friends) of his having a bitterfest coming up this weekend, when all the single girls basically bitch about being single while pretending to be proud and happy and stuff. And then he told me about how the boys retaliated with manfest where boy fun of epic proportions would be had (meat, poop, fire, other junk).

     I laughed because it amused me. And then I realized that I already knew the secrets of the different sexes, so why not share it with the rest of the world? Trust me, this isn't Cosmo or some sort of nifty (or not so nifty) teen magazine "100 ways to tell if he likes you" because I will summarize all that in ONE sentence. Well one sentence per sex, so 2 sentences really. Note that I said sex and not gender because sex is whether you're male or female, and gender is whether you're masculine or feminine. Now you know.
 

The secret you ask?

Guys really don't care, until they do.

Girls always mean what they say, unless they mean the opposite.

.............

I never said that the secret would be useful.

Just keep on living, I guess, and you'll figure it out. Maybe. I still haven't. Congratulations, you're exactly where you started.

Cheers!
ps. Check out the literature page. Updated once a week with self-poetry.

Do I Dare to Dream Big?

     Sometimes, very rarely, but still sometimes, I worry about my future. Where will I live permanently? What shall I do permanently? Who shall I live with? Or am I to live alone? I can adapt to anything, honestly speaking, as I'm a little scrappy. I'd just like a little prep time.
     It's weird really, how much the future doesn't exist for me. When I am asked to reflect on the future, all I see is ...well, nothing really. I can see idealistic possibilities, lazy notions that daydreams have brought forth and left to resonate but nothing concrete exists there. There is nothing that I want, really truly want except to be happy. And being scrappy, I think that I think that I can make myself be happy anywhere. 

    What does it mean to dream big? To think of a glamorous job? To think of a glamorous lifestyle? Enough money, enough love, enough excitement? To do something in the world that no one has ever done before? And what if doing something that someone has never done before translates to nothing? What is personal integrity in the face of family, friends, society, academia? Who cares if you're real and genuine when it doesn't mean anything? When your only ambition is to be ambitionless, to have stories, to experience air and life and music and thoughts and souls? 

"Do you really want to think and stop?" - Psycho, S.O.A.D.

      Let no one tell you can't do what you want. Realistically, you won't always be able to do what you want to do. But don't let anyone else be that hindrance. Give no one the right to tell you what you should feel or do because that is your own. Of course, keep in mind that what you want is not always what you need. Always pray for what you need and hope for what you want. 

Dreaming big is for other people. As for me, I'll be waiting for my miracle to come.

Cheers.