Week 59

I told you
I gave you my heart,
And you told me
You didn't know what to do with it.
Polite me, I insisted you keep it
Only if you wanted to.

These things are delicate,
I suppose,
But I handle mine
As if it is made of steel.
There are metallic veins
That run bright and brilliant through it,
Each one representing
A time when I made myself survive.

At first glance,
You'd almost think it belonged to a robot.

It's not very often that people take
two glances at it
And notice the terse
tense soft bleeding flesh,
Throbbing,
Alive and whispering.
If you listen very carefully,
You'll hear it the strongest in the fall
While the leaves crunch underneath
My boots
And every smell is that of time fading.
You'll see it in the way
You make my cheeks fill with blood
And the way my shoulders relax
Around you.

So look,
I implore you.
Look harder
At my steel heart
And reveal what makes me human
What makes me a woman
What makes me yours.

Week 58

I think you are the third
leap of faith
I've ever taken.

I think the first one was
When I believed God and the poets
And said to myself
That love would come to me one day
As they promised.

The second one
Was when I listened to the universe
And opened up my soul to the world.
"The measure you give
Will be the measure you get back"
So I sliced her open,
Poured her out
And waited.

The third leap
is You.
And you know that
Because that is what you demand of me.
So I comply
Because obedience and humility
Are virtues,
God and the poets told me that
when I was only two.

I stand at the edge of this cliff
And it is high,
the waters below swirling and dangerous.
Yet I run and jump
Take a flying leap
To the other side,
To You on the other side
In faith, in hope, and love
My open empty soul carrying me higher than
I can explain or want,
Flying so close to the blazing sun and brilliant stars on my way to you,
Flying in faith
And in words
Waiting for other side,
Stuck in between.

Week 57

The cafe is busy at lunch,
People just sitting around, eating,
Jaws tightening and unclenching
Mindlessly.
I sit here
and do the same,
But my mind wanders to you
And the way your jaw
Tightens and unclenches
When you want to tell me something
That your head won't let you say to me.

But I see the words flow up
from your heart to your fingertips
And slowly you write them without meaning to
on my skin.
The way you trace lines
On my face,
My hips,
My wrists.
Your mouth doesn't move
But the words flow up still,
Flow into your eyes,
And causes them to burst into shapes and  colours,
shine brilliantly
So that when they meet mine,
They enlighten me to see you in my past and my future.

But this is too much,
Too much for someone with a beaten soul
To bear
So those beautiful words move up
And get stuck in your hardened jaw,
Your closed fists
Your distant eyes.

So what can I do
But reach over from my place in this universe to yours,
And whisper those words for you,
To you.
Slowly, I lean in close,
And let those words roll off my tongue,
Place my soul in your hands,
Rest my head on your heart,
And wait.

Week 56

When I think about you now
Reflect on your beautiful
Ethereal presence,
It feels like I am bargaining
With your shadow,
The kind my cat chases
Thinking that this time
This time he'll finally get it,
He'll finally win.

Your shadow is as beautiful as you are
Albeit darker
And haunting
maybe a little more pure.
I look for you within it
Even though it is yours,
It does not belong to you
Or to me.
How can one possess such a thing?

I don't know why the ghost
Of your presence follows me around
And in vain I try to close my eyes
Because in this state of half dreams
I see you here with me again,
Hands on my hips,
Lips on my heart.

Instinct causes me to blink
Dreams to disappear
And this sudden betrayal of my body
Hardens me a little more,
Molds me into something more and less
Attainable,
More and less human,
More or less yours.

I remember you in music.
I forget you in words.
I see you in these shadows,
Oh how I will miss you when you go.

Week 55

I don't know what to feel about you.
When you are away,
I think about the lines on your face
And the stories that etched them there.

I think about how you hold me,
Look at me,
Devour me.
When I am with you,
I feel like a piece of candy,
An unwrapped truffle.
And so slowly do you undress me
With your eyes,
Your smile,
Your thoughts.
And suddenly there I am naked
And you want to see it all.
You ask me about myself
And I prefer not to say
But you know it all, already
In many ways.

I build a wall between me and you,
And you plant seeds around it.
It will be beautiful, you tell me,
And I wait for them to grow
To cover up the dark red bricks
That was laid the minute we said hello.
They will be beautiful,
Those lovely bursts of life
Around the stark coldness of
Steadfastness
And reality.

Week 54

Hard days,
Hard times.
Strong migraines,
Hard lines
Etched into my forehead
While yours stay baby smooth
Your eyes stay baby blue
While mine darken
And rot.

I look at you and wonder
How you could have ever been mine
Remember when you held my head
In your hands?
I do.
I remember every painstakingly simple moment
That was what I was built for.
Now I can't love you anymore.
You're not even you, anymore.

But there you stand,
Tall and broad.
And every instinct in me
Wants to bury myself in you,
On you.

But I stand far away.
You are not the warmth of a
Freshly washed and dried blanket,
You are the ice cold frost
numbing my toes,
Putting me to sleep forever.

Week 53

One month since I kissed you.
One month since I nuzzled my face
Into the crook of your neck
And felt your hand travel down my spine.
One month since I heard that you loved me, loved me,
You always said it twice.

I sit here with our dog at my feet,
She touches me at all times
Like you used to,
Our legs entwined.

In one month
I have become the strongest I know,
And also the weakest I know.
I reach out and hold air
Where you used to be.

It's not that I won't make it,
It's just that a lot has happened in a month.