Can't go home for Christmas. I'm not whining; lovely friends of mine have invited me over on the 23rd and 25th.
I've had so many dreams about my little sister (she's not so little anymore, apparently, but I'm a stranger) and how she felt curled up against me sleeping. I can almost feel her, smell her in those dreams, but alas I wake up and it's back to the grind.
I dream of my orange room. I dream of my grandmother.
My uncle who tends to be long lost a lot of the time is coming to visit apparently. Growing up and even now, he's always been more of an older/younger brother to me, and those of you who know me know how much I value that kind of sibling relationship with him. But I'm not going to see him even though I definitely feel I love him most (most likely not true, but a valid point). If you ever read this Wilson, I love you. You will always be my big brother, the one I never had and always wanted, even if you are the suckiest example of one.
I've had to learn some harsh lessons moving so far away from home even though I'm within the same country. I can't say I've learned them all or learned them well or don't backtrack often, but sometimes I wonder if I fucked it all up, if something went wrong along the way and now I'm just wasting my time and wasting away in this time. I'm happy, I've grown, I've changed, I laugh, I play, I work. Yet so often, I miss my family even though I can't stand them. I miss the comfort? of their nagging and the familiarity of their disappointment with who I am. Does that make me a masochist? Yeah, because I don't miss it, per se, I miss the comfort of their presence and the times they'd be nice to me. I miss eating food that was made by hands that cared and having a reason to step out of your room. I don't miss all the yelling and nagging and whatever else that was bound to follow me (and if my mom ever reads this, which is very unlikely, no I haven't lost any weight). I use the same sheets she bought me when I first started living away from home 4 years ago. The same blanket too. There is no point to this.
I think I'm at the end of my seemingly endless rambling. My house at home is always way too cold anyway. It's a day/week/month/year. There is no difference. I have wonderful friends which is way more than I did last year, but then again, I went home last year. Maybe tonight I'll dream of my sister again, and wake up and make sure she has half the pillow. I always seemed to be a stickler about that.
:) Have a wonderful Christmas if I don't post before then. May God truly bless each and every one of your homes.
Shani
I've had so many dreams about my little sister (she's not so little anymore, apparently, but I'm a stranger) and how she felt curled up against me sleeping. I can almost feel her, smell her in those dreams, but alas I wake up and it's back to the grind.
I dream of my orange room. I dream of my grandmother.
My uncle who tends to be long lost a lot of the time is coming to visit apparently. Growing up and even now, he's always been more of an older/younger brother to me, and those of you who know me know how much I value that kind of sibling relationship with him. But I'm not going to see him even though I definitely feel I love him most (most likely not true, but a valid point). If you ever read this Wilson, I love you. You will always be my big brother, the one I never had and always wanted, even if you are the suckiest example of one.
I've had to learn some harsh lessons moving so far away from home even though I'm within the same country. I can't say I've learned them all or learned them well or don't backtrack often, but sometimes I wonder if I fucked it all up, if something went wrong along the way and now I'm just wasting my time and wasting away in this time. I'm happy, I've grown, I've changed, I laugh, I play, I work. Yet so often, I miss my family even though I can't stand them. I miss the comfort? of their nagging and the familiarity of their disappointment with who I am. Does that make me a masochist? Yeah, because I don't miss it, per se, I miss the comfort of their presence and the times they'd be nice to me. I miss eating food that was made by hands that cared and having a reason to step out of your room. I don't miss all the yelling and nagging and whatever else that was bound to follow me (and if my mom ever reads this, which is very unlikely, no I haven't lost any weight). I use the same sheets she bought me when I first started living away from home 4 years ago. The same blanket too. There is no point to this.
I think I'm at the end of my seemingly endless rambling. My house at home is always way too cold anyway. It's a day/week/month/year. There is no difference. I have wonderful friends which is way more than I did last year, but then again, I went home last year. Maybe tonight I'll dream of my sister again, and wake up and make sure she has half the pillow. I always seemed to be a stickler about that.
:) Have a wonderful Christmas if I don't post before then. May God truly bless each and every one of your homes.
Shani
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