Self-Love

I was reading posts about heartbreak, inspiration, and self worth and healing and came across this quote by Jared Akers (the whole article is here: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/05/18/7-ways-to-live-happier-through-love/#more-448)

"A good illustration is that I would give you the shirt off my back in an instant, but would subconsciously think, “Don’t you dare try and give me yours.”

With the key ingredient of ‘self’ missing from self-love or emotional connectedness, I was seeking acceptance rather than love.  I loved you so you would love me; or at least I hoped you would.  But it doesn’t work that way, at least not very well for very long."

Last night was a lesson in humility, and I am a proud proud creature. Moving to Saskatoon meant not only moving away from my family, but moving away from my car. I'd always wanted to drive as a kid and that desire never faded as I grew up. Getting my license and being on the road was my thing.

But here, I had no car. Mostly, I didn't need it. I never went anywhere important, and if we did go out, I could usually bum a ride off of one or two friends. But now, now that I want to go farther than the reaches of the bus route, or go somewhere late at night, or even just laser tag for my little side part-time job, I realised that I was dependent. Me, dependent, on others.

And the lesson was humbling. Luckily, my knight had a shining truck, but I couldn't believe that I was that girl. I am not this girl. I am the girl who doesn't know how to ask for help when she needs it because she doesn't want to impose on anybody else's time, energy, life. And to be that girl is such a lesson in humility, so much so that it hurts.

I've often felt that life has brought me down to my knees but my head has rarely been bowed. In fact, I have fought tooth and nail to keep my nose in the air. Maybe this is a reminder that I need to bow my head a little more to my Creator and thank Him for everything that he has done for me. I don't know how to accept love or grace in a manner that is true to the soul of the person offering it. I think oftentimes a great part of me believes I don't deserve it, don't deserve to be happy, don't deserve to be loved and previous heartbreaks in both family and friends has only served to enforce it.

Someone once said to me that it is much easier to lie on a bed of nails than to believe you deserve to sleep on a nice feather bed, because one requires nothing while the other requires acceptance of self. Love of self is possibly one of the most difficult lessons we have to learn. I don't know how to start. I hope that maybe you do.