Day 4

And my cheeks feel as if they've been lifting weights all day.

I'd always been the suffer in silence person, but I'm sick of it, so now I'm a whiner. There is no winner in either case, is there?

I got no sympathy as a kid, so I beg for it now, with my puppy dog eyes, but I'm too proud to ask you to tell me how brave you think I am, how self sacrifical, how humble, how honourable. Defeats the purpose so I offer it to the holy souls.

I want to offer a Mass for a dead mother, and I want to ask him if he'd come with me but he wouldn't understand and I seem weird. Am I allowed to do so? What is Church anyway but a hole in my heart that I miss but can't be brave enough to come crawling back, because love is complicated. Well no, it's simple. I'm just messed and I know what the right thing is....yet I still do wrong. Why do I reject Love for love? Is it because I felt lonely and unloved for so long?

I know she loves me and I know she cares, but the way she talks to me...it's as if everything I am and want to be is wrong. And maybe it is. Maybe obedience is the key and punishment is my lesson. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop for my indiscretions, you see, I don't have loneliness and depression anymore to pay for my sins. I'm happy but I don't think I'm allowed to be?

I know I'm lost but I don't feel lost, I feel as if I'm staring at the map and going the wrong way. I feel like I look back on it and I say, "Hey, there's my home but I don't want to be there. Let me live in this dreamland a little longer, let me go unscathed for a moment or two more."

I guess what I'm afraid of is not knowing who I am anymore. I'm afraid of the face stealer stealing everything I've worked so hard to build. I am as vulnerable as a baby turtle, or so I think, and then I see these walls and armours I've built around me and I think to myself, do I trust or Trust? Can I be trusted?

The answer is no. You see I have failed Him. I have failed myself more. I have never stopped believing, loving, caring....but I think at some point in time I had to let myself go because it just hurt too much to be loved that much.  To be loved with that invisble Love that wasn't so invisble, that was so bright it shone but I could never see it, no matter how hard I tried. I tried so hard to be good and it never amounted to much, so did I give up? I don't think I did. I think I just shifted my course and now I'm sailing to the edge of the world.

She always told me that a few tears meant nothing. What were the point of tears if I just did the same thing over and over again? It's true, you know, temporary remorse means nothing in the face of Truth, Justice, Love, and Peace.

I'm broken, but I'll never be alone.