Secret of the Easy Yoke

"You're struggling because you still love Jesus. Do not get discouraged. Jesus knows that you love Him."

I do love Jesus. That sounds pretty cliche, even to me. But I love Him. I love him like I love Dan or Tom or Roch, but differently.

You see, Jesus and I, we have history. We'll always have history. You cannot unknow what you know. I cannot fall out of love, although the love changes and I turn away constantly because I can't. I can't be who He wants me to be. I can't. And I know I'm a terrible person for that. I know what the right path is but I can't seem to choose it and it hurts me.

I wish I could go back to being 12. But God calls me not to a bubble. I know that.


 I came across this Pedro the Lion/Bazan masterpiece.

"Someone please tell me the story

of sinners ransomed from the fall,

I still have never seen You

and some days I don't love You at all.

If this is only a test

I hope that I'm passing,

'cause I'm losing steam

and I still want to trust You."

Except I'm not passing. I'm failing. I'm not losing faith, it's stronger than ever. What I'm doing is losing obedience.

I'm sorry, Jesus. I love You. I do.

I'm so so so sorry.