Conversation with My Father

I talked to Death,
He was actually quite funny.
I was surprised that it was a he and not a she,
and I told him so – he simply shrugged and looked up at the sky,
and when I followed his gaze I noted that I could only see
one star shining.
I guess it was a cloudy night.
I asked Death if he liked to sit down or stand up,
and he told me it didn’t matter to him,
no one offered him a chair when he was on the job.
I told him he wasn’t on the job now so he could sit down if he wanted to.
He smiled and thanked me, but remained where he was.
His eyes weren’t cold, nor were they kind – although I tried
not to look into them for the fear that I might fall in.
He asked me if I’d been in love yet, and I told him that I think
I had, but I don’t think anyone had been in love with me.
He stopped for a moment and thought, and looked at me again,
and smiled as if he knew a secret.
I asked him what it was, but he shook his head and simply said
that it wasn’t Time.
I shrugged and continued gazing at the one star sky,
the light dimmed by passing clouds and
inexplicably I felt sad, and it was the sadness that
made tears roll down my cheek as my heart exploded with love.
I looked at Death and asked him if it was supposed to hurt this much inside,
and he told me he didn’t know what it was supposed to be like,
it just was.
And I told him about the one star in the sky
and how its dull edges reminded me of the table
where I had read his letter,
the one saying goodbye and nothing else,
although I’m sure I felt all the words he didn’t think to tell me.
I looked at Death once more and asked him
if everyone was inherently afraid, if that was the human condition –
to be so afraid to love because of the way it tore us in two.
Death replied that the only reason love tore us in two was so
that we could be put back together with someone else.
And then I asked him what would happen if you remained torn in two
and he told me that’s what suffering was.
I told him I didn’t want to suffer anymore, and I asked him to take it away.
He leaned over and touched the grass beside my knee,
got up and started walking away and I watched as he walked up
to the one star sky, his robe gleaming against the clouds that
worshipped his broken soled shoes.
I didn’t know what to do at that moment, so I got up and went home,
my dog licked my toes.
I went to sleep.